there is a room in my house

and there is this couch in that room

and I am sitting on that couch

I am sitting on that couch

because I want to rest,

but I cannot rest

because I am thinking about how

whenever I sit on that couch

wanting to rest,

it never happens

it never happens,

because that couch

by which I mean this one, right here,

is not a very comfortable couch

in fact,

this couch is a very much UN-comfortable couch

so much so

it is difficult to sit here, right now

and explain to you just how uncomfortable

it really is

you see,

this couch that I am sitting on:

it is not a very good couch

in fact,

it is the OPPOSITE of a very good couch

it is a TERRIBLE couch

it is a piece-of-garbage couch

or, at least it WAS a piece-of-garbage couch

until I picked it up from the side of the road

and walked it back to my house

so I’d have something

I could sit on

you probably know this already

but the people, they keep on saying

that the Japanese,

they think,

“Everything has a spirit”

that “Every object is a vessel”

and I’ve been told this

at least 4 times now

so it might be true

and if it is true

that “Everything HAS a spirit”

and that “Every object IS a vessel”

then this couch would be a vessel. with a spirit.

but whether or not it has a spirit

it won’t change the fact

that this couch IS uncomfortable

and that I AM sitting on it

anyway,

while I am sitting on this couch

this not very comfortable couch

this very much UN-comfortable couch

this very much,

very not comfortable,

very UN-comfortable,

piece-of-garbage couch

I am thinking back

a few years now

no,

I am thinking back

many years now

maybe 15?

to a different house

with a different couch

an actually quite comfortable couch,

a not-a-piece-of-garbage couch,

a halfway decent couch

a kind-of-nice, bluish couch

kind of blue-grey, like the slate that runs through the Ithaca Gorges — that’s pretty far upstate if you don’t know. Beautiful place. You should go if you’ve never been. Central New York, right by Cornell University. Not the city campus though, the other one.

anyway,

this couch,

this halfway decent couch,

this kind of blue-grey,

kind-of-nice, bluish couch,

it’s been worn in over the years

worn in by the bums of 10 grandkids,

lovingly waiting, patiently, for Nan to make them

some scrambled eggs and ham

it’s my Nan’s couch

and while I am here,

sitting on this very much UN-comfortable couch

I am also there

sitting on that actually quite comfortable couch

that kind of blue-grey,

kind-of-nice, bluish couch

and I hear her say it again —

out loud.

out-of-nowhere.

again. but also like it’s the first time.

she says,

“If I ever get Alzheimer's,

I don't want to know”

I hear her say it

to me, here, now.

sitting on this very much UN-comfortable couch

while I am also there, then.

sitting on that actually quite comfortable couch

that not-a-piece-of-garbage couch

that halfway decent couch

and this was many years ago now

maybe 15?

that was before she’d nod along

even though we could all tell she didn’t understand

before she’d get lost going down the canned food aisle

before she’d wander off through unlocked doors

and into traffic

before she forgot all of our names

even my mum’s, who looked after her every day

and sitting here, now.

on this very much UN-comfortable couch

I can see clearly what I couldn’t see then,

No, not then.

not sitting on that actually quite comfortable,

that not-a-piece-of-garbage couch,

that halfway decent couch,

that kind of blue-grey,

kind-of-nice, bluish couch

that she must have known

she must have

she must’ve known

that her memories were trying to abscond

that they had grown weak from the constant battle,

that they were ready to surrender,

ready to slip away from the trenches,

get out of the front-lines,

scurry off and start again,

turn over a new leaf,

absent without leave,

join the rout and face off

against the Shtrafbat

she must have known

that waiting for her was a future

that would be confined

only to the present

and that

that very moment

the one I am living through right now,

here, sitting on this couch

while I am also there, sitting on that couch

THAT very moment

would soon have to be

mine alone